Makeup: From Harry to Heather, Harry's story
by Moppet Poppet
Summary: In summer holidays Sirius turns up at Privet Drive and tells Harry he needs to be changed into a*girl* to help save himself from Voldemort…
1. It Starts

**Title:** Make-up: From Harry to Heather, Harry's story (1/?)  
**Author Name:** Moppet Poppet  
**Author E-mail:** Lucozade_gurl@hotmail.com  
**Category:** Humor, Romance   
**Keyword: **Harry/Hermione   
**Rating:** PG-13 (just in case)   
**Spoilers:** All four books

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. 

**Summary: **6 weeks into the summer holidays Sirius turns up at Privet Drive and tells Harry he needs to dress up as a _girl_ to help save himself from Voldemort… 

**Author's Note: **I don't know how I thought this up but there you go…

**Make-up. From Harry to Heather, Harry's story**** (or is it Heather's?) **

**Chapter 1**

It had been 6 weeks since the end of term and Harry Potter was worried he hadn't received an owl from Ron or Hermione since his birthday and Sirius hadn't written either. Worst of all in Harry's opinion was that Hedwig had gone missing and Harry hadn't seen her for some weeks now and he was afraid something horrible might have happened to her.

Dudley was no longer on a diet as he'd lost 105 pounds in the last year alone. Apparently the nurse's fitness program and (what amused Harry the most) Dudley's new-found fear of all candy, had done the trick. As far as Harry could tell, from what he had heard, Dudley had refused to go near anything that so much as resembled a _toffee _ever since the end of last summer_._ Harry had decided that giving his winnings from the Tri wizard tournament to the Weasley twins was the best idea he'd ever had and Harry couldn't wait to tell them about Dudley.

Dinner last night had been the worst yet as Aunt Petunia had been going to the church's new dinner and dance. Harry suspected it was just for some extra gossip and to show off her dancing **_talent_**which she claimed came from her mother's side, Harry really hoped it didn't, because if he found out he'd been dancing like **_that_**at the Yule Ball- well it didn't bare thinking about. At lest it was my first time, what's her excuse, Harry thought to himself. 

Well at dinner last night Aunt Petunia had gone off to the church and left Uncle Vernon and Dudley in-charge of 3 microwave meals. All went well until the time came to cook them. Dudley had demanded his first so in it went in some kind of metal tray, the next thing Harry new there were sparks flying out of the microwave then the food caught fire and Harry had started laughing. He soon stopped when Uncle Vernon claimed it had been Harry's all along, the meal soon found its way to the bin after Harry had deemed it inedible. 

It turned out the tray Uncle Vernon had used to cook the meal in was not supposed to be used in a microwave and had caused the sparks which in turn caused the fire. 

The incident was **_almost_** as bad as the day Dudley decided that putting his pet hamster in the microwave would be a good idea… Well Hammy actually survived, but sadly it was all in vain, the very same day Hammy was wandering the kitchen floor when next door's cat strolled in… It was all very quick, the cat pounced, and poor Hammy's eyes literally popped out of his head and across the floor. He had a good burial. (A/N this story is based on real life events and should not be attempted without adult supervision. Hammy's name has been changed for anonymity) 

So that night Harry went to sleep on an empty stomach at lest Harry thought sleepily I wasn't forced to eat the thing. 

*****

Harry woke up to the taping of something against his window. This had been going on now for the worst part of 20 minutes, so he decided it was best if he went to see what was going on, it didn't make sense to his sleepy brain. The fact was that there had been some sort of trouble early in the summer, and Harry hadn't heard anything from his friends in a while, Much to Harry's disappointment the only thing that kept him going through the summer in the past was his friends.

Feeling much more awake now Harry sat up in bed, rubbed his eyes, put on his glasses and attempted to see whatever had drove him from his sleep. Maybe Ron and his family had come to save him ok Harry thought as he stared through the blank glass, there was just thin air on the other side and definitely no sign of the causes of "that inferno racket" as his Uncle would have called it.

'Oh well' Harry muttered to himself 'back to bed for me' Harry didn't know why but he'd been unusually tiered since the start of the holidays, he presumed it had something to do with all the stress over the tri-wizard tournament.

He glanced up at the window again and-got the shock of his life, which caused Harry to jolt backwards.

Sirius Black Harry's god farther was parched on the windowsill waiting to be let in. harry just stared for the next ten second while Sirius tried to get Harry's attention. Suddenly harry got up and threw the window open allowing Sirius to enter.

'God harry, I never knew it would take that long to get your attention.' Sirius exclaimed once he was safely inside. He watched Harry carefully 

'Are you ok, you know you can tell me if something's wrong'

'What?' harry asked, 'oh no I'm fine, but what are you doing here, not that I don't want to see you but isn't it dangerous for you to be here and what if the Dursleys hear you and phone-'

'Harry calm down' Sirius managed to get in, Harry had been speaking very fast and didn't seem to know when to stop. 'Don't worry I'm not going to get caught and if the Dursleys come in I can just turn in to snuffles and hide under the bed' 

Sirius moved over to the bed and sat down, Harry followed him and sat down too. Harry looked up at Sirius and asked 'has anything happened…about Voldemort I mean?'

'Well, there's been some attacks on muggles, that as far as we can tell were committed by death eaters, but there's no way of convincing Fudge.' 

***

All was still and quiet at number 4 privet drive. It was around 9:15 in the evening, the sun had long gone down. Less than a minuet later the peaceful silence was broken by a cry of horror from a fifteen-year-old boy.

'You want me to do WHAT?'

' Listen to me' Sirius tried to claim his Godson down ' it will only be for a while and it will make you a lot safer, you don't want to be locked up in Hogwarts for the rest of the year, do you? Because that's what's going to happen if you don't go through with this. 

'Can't we do something else. Why do I have to dress up as a-a-' Harry couldn't bring himself to say it.

Sirius cut Harry off mid-stutter ' girl-someone of female persuasion. Look Harry it won't be that bad-when I was younger we did this kind of thing for fun. I remember this one time when-

'Stop!' Harry cried 'I don't think I want to know' he paused for a moment and then asked slowly 'what did you mean when you said 'we'-my father wasn't involved in that, was he?'

Sirius didn't seem to notice the look of horror on Harry's face as he said ' of course he was, he even went blonde for the night. But that's not the point, I'm taking you to Remus' house to get you sorted out.

Following Sirius down the stairs Harry wondered how on Earth he'd got himself into something like this. They reached the front door at the same time as Harry's uncle Vernon stepped out of the kitchen, he froze at the sight of Sirius and opened his mouth, but before he had the chance to speak Sirius stepped in.

'Hello sir you must be Mr Dursley, Harry's uncle.' Sirius didn't stop for a reply, speaking rather fast he continued. 'I've just come to pick Harry up and we'll be leaving now. It's very unlikely that Harry will return here this summer. Someone will be along shortly to pick up his things. Good bye.' Sirius finished. 'Come on Harry' he said tugging on Harry's sleeve.

Harry and Sirius walked out of the house and around the corner. 'I don't have to go back to the Dursleys until next summer?' Harry asked excitedly.

'Harry' Sirius said kindly. 'You have to go back to the Dursleys'

'But you just said that I wasn't' Harry replied frowning.

'Listen as far as your uncles concerned you aren't going back.' Seeing Harry's confessed face he continued. ' Remember why we're going to Remus'? Well when you come back, you're not going to be Harry Potter.'


	2. Of Frocks and Frills

Make-up

Well this is the 3rd instalment of Make-up. Anyway thanks to everyone, who reviewed so far, I love you people, reviewers are so great.

**

Disclaimer: as always (unless she sells out) J.K.Rowling owns everything

**

I've just revamped this because NAPPA (Thank you) spotted I'd made some stupid mistakes, like 'Remus waked (which looks a lot like wanked) though the door' instead of 'Remus walked though the door' ('~') 

I also took the liberty of adding something new that I was going to write the first time but it didn't seem to fit in, I've managed it, a little conversation Harry has with his…(cough, cough, cough) 

**

I would give you a flash back to the last chapter here but I'm not…. So there. If you can't remember then go back and read the end again. You have the force…. Use it.

BTW this hopefully will have romance in it that's why it's in that category as well.

**

**

Of Frills and Frocks

Chapter 3

On arrival at Remus Lupin's, Harry was quickly ushered inside, the interior of the little house was comfortable and yet practical. The walls were a white wash, there was a small pine table pushed up against the side of the hallway, upon which sat a small trinket box with what looked like, to Harry, an ivory lid, also there stood a tall blue vales.

Glancing at a clock above the door to his right Harry found it was now half past five in the evening. 

Before Harry knew it, or had a chance to say good evening, Remus had grabbed his hand and was leading Harry up the blue carpeted stairs in front of them.

'Right, here we are Harry and I'm glad you could make it' Remus paused for a moment, looking at his watch 'Though you are a bit late…. No doubt that was Sirius' fault'

'Hey' Sirius exclaimed ' It's not my fault, we were held up by traffic!' 

Remus turned around to stare at Sirius.

'You were ridding my broomstick Sirius (a/n…!), how could you get caught up in traffic! Unless you somehow got held up behind an extremely large and slow pigeon!'

'Well actually-' Sirius started.

'No Sirius, stop I don't think I want to know' Remus cut in.

Remus let go of Harry's hand as they had now reached the last door on the 1st floor landing. He pushed open the door to revile a medium sized bedroom with a large double bed with a peach coloured duvet, the bed was pushed up against the right hand wall which was of a similar shad of colour. The room was dimly lit with a grate of glowing embers in the fireplace, the whole set-up made the room look very cosy and inviting. 

'Well what are you waiting for' Remus said walking into the room 'Lets get you fixed up Harry'

Harry and Sirius followed Remus into the room and harry decided to sit down on the bed. Professor Lupin sounded way to cheerful for Harry's liking.

'How exactly are you planning to do this' Harry asked worriedly 'I didn't know you specialised in this sort of thing'

'Don't worry' Remus said as he reached under the bed, he pulled out an old case and placed it on the bed. 'I've changed a few people before' he glanced at Sirius before continuing 'but only for a day, some of the ingredients are quite expensive so Professor Snape has been kind enough to brew a dose-'

'What!' Harry gasped 'I can't believe you'd let him make it, he hates me, he could have put anything in it…and I thought you had done this before!'

' I have, but I am better at the spell work, your father was more adapt with potions than I…anyway' Remus opened the old brown case and sighed 'I haven't looked in here for coming up to sixteen years now.'

Harry was slowly panicking 'do you really think this is a good idea…couldn't you use a…a…illusion charm or something' Harry asked desperately.

'An illusion charm over the rest of the summer, you've got to be joking, Dumbledore himself couldn't keep one going that long (a/n 'cough'!)' Remus seemed quite amused at the thought. 

Remus suddenly looked at his watch and jumped ' Brian is going to be here soon, I better get the potions' he then left the room and ran down the stairs.

Looking at Sirius, Harry found he seemed to be lost in his own little world and eyes seemed to have glazed over

In a far off voice Sirius sighed 'Ah…the good old days…I wonder if Moony still has that pink frock…must go and see…' he trailed off as he wandered out of the room and down the landing.

Harry was going to follow Sirius, but then thought better of it, he really didn't want to know what Sirius was going to do when he found that **_pink_** frock…he shuddered at the thought.

' Harry you had better get into those pyjamas we got you, they're under the bed covers' Remus' voice echoed from down stairs

Harry lifted the covers and groaned, he couldn't be serious ' you don't mean these _pink _ones do you' he shouted back down the stairs

'Of course I do, you don't see any others do you?' Remus replied. 

Sinking back down on the bed Harry pulled on the pyjamas, the _pink _pyjamas, it was enough to make him sick. Just before he pulled his pyjama pants up, he looked down at himself, 'well this is it my friend…. I'm not going to see you for a long time…but we've had some good times together, haven't we…we've had some fun…I'll miss you, I don't know how I'll live without-' 

Just at that moment there was a knock on the bedroom door 'Harry can I come in, I've got your potions' it was Remus.

'Yeah, I'm dressed' Harry replied quickly pulling up the pyjama bottoms, and opening the door for Remus, he just hoped Snape hadn't done anything awful to the mixture.

As he walked through the door Remus called over his shoulder ' Hey Sirius, get in here I'm just about to give Harry his potions'

Harry heard Sirius call from what must have been the spare bedroom ' um…Remus…I think I'm trapped…I can't get this…er…zipper thing undone…you couldn't give…um…me a hand, could you?' he seemed to be struggling with something.

Harry watched as Remus placed the tray of potions on the bedside table and left to help Sirius out of his predicament, If this was what his godfather got up to on a Wednesday evening Harry dreaded to think about what he did on a Friday night.

I don't care what they say, he thought, this is the last time I'm ever wearing _pink_.

**

In less than a minuet Sirius followed Remus back into the room with his head bowed and a blush on his face. It seem he was back so soon because Remus had very flexible fingers and all that he had needed to do was a quick wiggle of the zip, which Remus was more than capable to administer.

'Awa, his so cute!' Sirius suddenly squealed when he saw Harry in his new pyjamas ' you were right the frill around the cuff does bring out his sensitive side' 

Harry tried to force a small smile at that remark, but it came out more as a grimace. He felt like he was one of those show cats with the grumpy squashed faces and a big 'pretty' bow on top of it's head, oh no, Harry suddenly thought, don't make me wear a bow. 

'I know, from now on I think I should buy _all_ his cloths' Remus didn't seem to notice Harry choking at the horror of that situation, so he continued.' Ok Harry first you have to drink the green potion, it's for the changeover' he said handing it to harry who downed it. 'Then you need to drink this one' he brandished a bunged glass vile with purple potion in it. ' It's a sleeping potion it will last for approximately 4 hours. While you're asleep I'll finish off the changeover by chanting a series of charms so by the time you wake-up you will have changed…ok drink the potion' Harry climbed into the bed and drank the potion, immediately he could feel his eyelids becoming weighty.

The last thing Harry thought was, if he woke up to find that little _cute_ pink bows had been sowed to all his Hogwarts clothes and tied in his hair he'd happily kill the both of them and dance on their graves. 

**

A/N: I don't know what happened to Sirius, I think his past might be catching up with him…also Harry will only change when Remus finishes the chanting…I hope that's clear… 

**

NAPPA: I couldn't remember what I was going to change him with so he ended up with a potion and a spell, lol.

Freda Potter: Don't worry their isn't going to be any slash with Harry, although there's bound to be at _lest_ one guy who thinks (Female) Harry is hot.

Amen: thank you for the review, hope you liked this one as much.

KAT: it did take me a while to get this out, thanks for the review and I'm glad you think it's an interesting subject.

Fllic: I'm hopping it will be, I was worried about putting this in humour just in case it wasn't funny and thank you for the review.

Summersun: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Well I thought this wasn't as good as the other chapters, but I hope to revive myself next chapter.

HarryPotterCC1; I don't want to give the plot away but, you know what Vernon Dersley's like, do you think he'll be able to resist Harry's _Female_ charms.

Starrynight: Hammy was placed in the microwave by Dudley who thought it would be funny but one of his parents saw what Dudley had done and saved the Hamster, who was then squashed by next doors cat. 

Angelwenh : he'll end up in Hogwarts like a girl although I don't think he knows it yet and by the way I really like your review, thanks.

Lily Vance: It's not romance yet but it will be, um I think things will start to get quite confusing for Harry.

Do you know who I am?: I found myself quite disturbed by your review, here's the next bit for you, oh and by the way your one of my favourite reviewers-I think your E-mail made me pull my finger out (which was painful) and finish writing this. 

**

Oh and next chapter (Coming Soon) Harry wakes up…(something's gone wrong)…and gets to meet Brian the ex-beautician (if all goes to plan, a plan that I don't have) 


	3. Brian and stuff, and lots of it stuff th...

Disclaimer: J.K.R owns everything (I can't think of anything else to say because my hamster is stuck behind a cabinet and is making a lot of noise which is really starting to piss me off and word not working right-I think my computer is running out of memory…I can't remember the last time I turned it off…) 

My computer just gave me a message saying: Your computer is dangerously low on resources terminate Explorer? Which is fine but explorer wasn't even running… 

There were so many votes! You people really came through…this rest of this chapter turned out completely different than I thought, so next chapter is going to be Harry being made over and looking in the mirror, then there's Diagon ally, back to the Dursleys and Hogwarts… 

Make-up

Chapter four

Opening his eyes Harry found every thing slightly blurry, it felt as if he'd been asleep for months, his head was pounding and clouded with confusion. Harry just managed to pull himself into a sitting position, before collapsing back on the bed. He flung his arm out and started swigging to around in the air trying to find his glasses. 

'Here' someone murmured from his left, ' put theses on'

'Sirius?' Harry mumbled back, as his glasses were slid on to his face.

'Yeah, it's me. You over slept…how do you feel?" Sirius asked as he helped Harry into a sitting position.

'Ok' Harry replied looking around the room and spotting Remus' brown case by the side of the bad

'Umm…how long have I been out of it for?'

'Well you over slept a bit…' he glanced at his watch 'you've been asleep for about…27 hours' 

'What! I thought, and correct me if I'm wrong, but Remus said, and I quote " It's a sleeping potion it will last for approximately 4 hours" so why, I say this as calmly as I can, WHY THE HELL WAS I ASLEEP FOR 27 ODD HOURS? WHAT THE HELL HAS GONE WRONG!' Harry took a deep breath then continued 'Please answer me now, for I can fell the rage building again and I'm likely to blow, with atomic power, within the next 10 seconds, and-'. Harry suddenly stopped; he didn't like the pitch of his voice…it sounded like he'd been sucking on a Helium tap for the past 27 hours. 

It seemed Remus had heard all the commotion, for at that moment he moved cautiously through the doorway closely followed by someone, who Harry could only describe as gay, very gay, in any and every sense of the word. The man was wearing a tight, thin, pink, sparkly top and…black PVC trousers…he was scary.

At that moment Sirius stood ' Brian! This is Harry!' Sirius motioned to Harry, who was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, with his arms, Brian's eyes light up when they fell on him… 

'Oh my god! He's so cute when he's angry! Or should I say she's so cute, oh and just look at those cheekbones, they're to die for… ' Harry tuned out of the conversation about then, '…lengthen the hair, just beyond the shoulders, maybe add some streaks of purple…possibly pink…

*****

'Harry, Harry wakeup!' Sirius called while trying to shake Harry awake

'No, no, not the bows…it's too pink…' Harry wined '…never did like high heels…pink…it's all pink…no, no, keep them away…noooooooooooooooooooooooo'

Harry shot up in bed breathing hard, a look of terror on his pale face.

'Don't worry Harry, it was only a dream…every thing's ok now'

Rubbing his head, Harry slumped back against his pillow.

'I've never had a dream like that before' Harry confessed 'and I've had some pretty strange ones…it felt so weird-I mean I could tell it was a dream because this guy turns up and he's totally gay, and someone made me wear pink pyjamas! And the rest of it's a blear…imagine if that was real and wasn't just a dream!'

'Yeah…'Sirius muttered looking around Remus' spare bedroom for an escape root 'imagine' 

'Sirius!' Remus called from the bottom of the stairs 'is Harry up?'

'What's Remus doing here? Were is here? This looks like…my dream'

'Well you see the thing is…Remus! Harry wants to talk to you!' Sirius finished as he fled the room. 

Harry watched as his godfather ran into Remus on the landing, who then proceeded to drag Sirius back into the bedroom.

'Sirius what are you doing?' Remus whispered glancing nervously over his shoulder at Harry 'what's up with you? Is there something wrong with Harry?' 

'No! no, no Harry's just fine-He wants to talk to you actually, don't you Harry!' Sirius called shoving Remus towards Harry's bed.

Both Harry and Remus watched as Sirius ran, yet again, from the room. The room was silent for a moment while the two of them just stared at the open door.

'Well you wanted to talk to me Harry?'

' Er no actually, but since you're here I wouldn't mind knowing what's going on' Harry said hopefully, feeling a lot calmer than he thought he should be'

'Well, I don't think you took too well to Brian, he was in the middle of explaining all the things he'd like to do to improve your image when you fainted-just like that' Remus snapped his fingers. 'It's understandable, the potion was pretty hard on your body…Harry are you listening to me?' 

This couldn't be happening. Not again. Like it wasn't bad enough in a dream, which had no doubt caused him to be mentally scarred for life, the bounders between male and female in his mind may have been blurred forever. 

'I will only continue to converse with the pink monkeys or the fairy queen, if however both are unavailable I will settle for my own company, the best conversation I ever had was with myself.

'Harry…Harry are you okay?' Remus looked as though he was starting to get worried. Harry remained silent and stared off into space, which in turn caused Remus to look even more worried.

'Sirius! What have you done to Harry!' He shouted leaving the room, Harry jumped out of bed and followed as Remus moved around the house searching for Sirius

' I know you're here because you can't leave, so there's no point hiding…' There was still no Sign of Sirius who seemed determined to stay out of sight. 

' Here doggie! Come on boy, Here doggie, doggie, doggie…does the cute little puppy want a big pink bow for his hair?'

Harry straitened suddenly ' He doesn't have anymore of them does he' Harry whispered franticly to himself, looking around the room for were Remus could have hidden a box of bows. ' At least he would know what I go through here' he muttered darkly

Almost as soon as Remus had finished speaking, there was a snort from under the table next to Harry and Remus and Sirius emerged

'If _you_ hadn't come along and claimed me as your _little snuffles _then everything would have been just fine' 

Harry looked up, this was starting to get interesting

'Sirius' Remus said calmly ' if I hadn't _come along _then that woman would have taken you home and tied you up!'

Sirius rolled his eyes 'Exactly Moony, _Exactly_.'

****

A/N ok I'm off right now to write the next chapter, this one should have been finished 2 days, after you guys voted (and did you vote! WOW!) But I had to do all my English course work in a week (last week) and I was falling asleep as soon as I came home.

So I'm going to write the next chapter right now because this is really late, also I've got to do all my science course work next week (I do double science, so there's lots of it)

This is the shortest chapter I think and I'm behind on were this story should by now and I didn't send out any emails about this so This chapter turned into a right mess but it'll all be put right in the next

If you like or can (some people won't be able to) review

Oh if you want an email when I update can you write your email address in a review, you can do it next chapter if you want or when ever but if you want me to stop emailing you just say (I don't want to piss anyone off), it's just I have to go in to peoples profile page to find out what there address is and it takes me forever to write them then. 


	4. When the grip on reality is lost

Pink lipstick and the Diagon Ally surprise

Harry had to admit, even if it was only to himself, that he was being rather successful in remaining silent and, to his surprise, his wish that everybody might just forget about the whole change thing, had come true, wasn't as good as he thought it would be. 

After Remus had found Sirius, Harry had made his way back up stairs and found the bathroom, which was fine…until he happened to glance at the mirror above the sink, it was one of those shock, shock, horror, horror, shock, shock, horror moments. 

The first thing he thought, being a guy, was 'oh my hair is such a mess' then ' but were are my breasts?' 

Then he looked at the toilet and decided he wasn't even going to try. 

So here he was, sat on the couch in Remus' living room, busting for the loo, Sirius to his right in an armchair, Remus to his left watching the television and Brian. Brian was sat in front of him flicking through fashion magazines. Glancing up at him every few minutes, then lifting the magazine up near Harry's face and turning it one way and then the other muttering things like 'Oh I can see it now' and ' _that _is just _fabulous_, I _must_ try it, you'll be my guinea pig, won't you Harry?' 

***

'Okay, so Harry what colour streaks do you want in your hair, red, purple or pink?' Brian asked looking at Harry expectantly, who looked up at him in horror 

'He's not speaking' Sirius muttered

'Oh…what did you do to him…her Sirius?'

'Nothing!' Sirius exclaimed 'What do I look like, some kind of-'

'-Murderer?' Brian suggested

Sirius gave him a dark look, slumped back against the couch, and crossed his arms over his chest.

'Oh' Brian wined 'don't be such a sulky socks'

Sirius supplied another one of his dark glares and muttered something as equally dark.

'I think you should use pink, we could make it the theme of his clothes too!'

Harry was beginning to feel sick and Remus wasn't helping, he wanted to change Harry into some kind of freakish Barbie doll. Now Harry had nothing against the colour pink and people who like it, as long as he didn't have to go any were near the colour and the people who wear it stayed away…far, far away. 

'Pink would look good but what about purple?' asked Brian

'Yeah but what if people think she's a Gothic? With the rebirth of Voldemort I wouldn't have thought that would go down well'

Harry knew women could hold it but this was starting to take the-er-piss, he groaned…why him? He was sure there were people out there who would love to go around as a woman for goodness knows how long, like Sirius, or maybe not or would he? Harry quickly taped Remus on the shoulder

Remus turned around and looked at him 'yes?' he asked. Harry just sat there and stared up at him, making green puppy dog eyes.

'What?' Remus asked kindly, he then turned to Sirius ' you know if he doesn't start talking soon we might have to consider finding those pink monkeys of his…' 

Sirius just shrugged ' he probably wants you to show him how women go to the toilet'

Harry nodded and Remus looked horrified

'What, you have to know' Remus exclaimed to Harry, who shuck his head again 'but you have to know, everyone knows-it's common knowledge!'

'Yeah, but how would he find out? It's not the sort of thing you talk about' Sirius whispered 

'Yeah, but-'

'Oh for goodness sake' Sirius grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him out of the room, then dragged him up the stairs and to the Bathroom door.

'There you are, just get in there, sit down, relax flow…so to speak' he then pushed Harry through the doorway and shut the door in his face.

'Nice' he heard Harry mutter 

'At least his talking to himself ' Sirius said to himself ' got to be better than nothing' Sirius thought before he made his way back down stairs, he never thought he'd end up potty training a 15 year old Harry Potter.

***

Sirius had only just made it down stairs when he heard Harry shout.

'YOU FUCKING BASTEREDS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMUPPETS TRYING TO DO TO ME!'

'Sirius I thought you said he wasn't talking?' Remus asked

'Oh! Looks like someone's got their lipstick in a twist!'

'Ignore him Sirius, he just says things like that, it's the way he is. Do you think Harry's okay?'

'I don't know…' A series of thumps sounded from the upstairs landing 'Do you want to check on him…'cause I sure is hell don't?'

'Madonna would never ignore me…'

'Not really…I think he's coming down now…'

'We used to dance all night long in Mad-Andes club…did you know, I showed her how to Vogue?'

'Do you think we should run and hide now or-' Harry had appeared at the top of the stairs and was slowly making his way down. He looked just about ready to kill.

'Sirius…' he said when he reached the bottom 'I don't whether to be happy, or, very, very angry'

'At the moment you seem to be swinging toward a little…displeased…' Sirius trailed off seeing Harry's eyes narrow.

Remus coughed uncomfortably and Brian giggled 

Harry looked around at them, and then continued 'Do I look like a girl?' he asked pointing at his face anger bubbling up again 'and do I look like a girl!' he shouted dropping his pants to the floor.

Sirius' mouth fell open in shock 'Um…'

'Shall I help you out Sirius!' Harry shouted, pulling his pants back up 'I don't look like a GIRL! And do you know why that is? Because I'm not a god damn girl! I'm a fucking BOY as in MALE as in NOT FEMALE! As in I think I'm going to faint…' 

Harry managed to stay awake long enough to hear Brian go 'Oops' and start giggling again. 

****

'Okay Harry, look, you go first and we'll meet you at The Leaky Cauldron in about ten minutes' 

'I'm not going…I sound funny' Harry wined 'And what if I start turning into a girl or my hair falls out…I don't trust you two' 

'Look, you only go high pitched when you get upset…your starting to go a little high at the moment actually…'

'Great…that's it I'm not going.' Harry crossed his arms

'Now!' Remus shouted as Sirius grabbed Harry while Remus through some floo powder into the fire and shouted 'Diagonally' Harry was then bundled into the fireplace. 

Harry soon found himself being spat out of the fire and onto the floor of the Leaky Cauldron. He looked around the pub from his place on the floor; it was late afternoon so it was just starting to get busy.

'You okay lad?' Harry's head snapped up to see Tom the barman, grinning and hand held out. Harry took the offered hand and Tom pulled him up off the floor. 

'Thanks, I'm fine, Remus and Si-Brian are coming soon, but they said I should wait for them here…'

'Of course' Tom said smiling, showing many shiny pink gums 'What can I do ya for?' he asked motioning to the bar. 

'Um…just a glass of water' Harry had no idea what they sold, let alone what he was actually aloud to drink…water looked like the safest bet.

Tom looked outraged 'Just a glass of water, lad!' He cried, as he made his way over to the large selection of bottles of colourful liquids, which where hung behind the bar and rigged up to many transparent tubes.

'I'm sure we can find you something a little more…interesting' Tom said grinning over the bar at Harry 'Come on, lad' he continued as he patted the top of the bar 'take a set' 

'Uh…well I'm not really that thirsty…' Harry protested, pulling up a bar stool 'and I'm sure Remus will be here soon, I don't think I have time…'

'Nonsense, there's always time for one of my best' The barman said as he grabbed a glass from under the counter. He started wiping the glass as he moved down the row of bottles. Every so often, He would stop by a particularly grim looking bottle and check its label, then move on, much to Harry's relief, after muttering to himself.

Harry felt his stomach suddenly contract when the old barman stopped for a long time in front of a bottle half full of some kind of murky liquid of a brownish, reddish, pinkish colour. It had little tiny black things floating around in it's depths, which Harry had the horrible feeling were baby flies. Harry swallowed nervously as tom bent his head down to the bottle. 

'Ah…not today my beauty…today…today, shall I give him my latest to try?' Tom whispered to the bottle 'hum…you think so? I totally agree…he'll love it!' 

Tom suddenly straitened, a huge grin on his face, he then moved off towards the other end of the bar.

Harry was now sending a quite prayer to Remus to make him hurry up. Harry was in the hands of a very nice but not altogether stable bartender, who was about to feed him some strange, and no doubt, dangerous concoction, and he wanted out. So it was weird at Remus' house and Azkaban seemed to have damaged Sirius more than he was letting on…and then there was Brian…but at lest they wouldn't kill him…well not poison him…well Sirius- 

'There ya go, lad!' Tom called, slamming down a glass in front of Harry and bringing him back to reality 'Get that down ya'

Harry looked down at the glass, then looked back at Tom, then back to the glass, it didn't look to harmful…it was light pink in colour with a green umbrella and a small blue parrot dancing around the rim. 

' Well…come on, drink up lad! Tom exclaimed watching Harry expectantly

Moving his hand towards the glass Harry looked back at Tom, who grinned at him nodding him on. Harry then picked up the glass and moved it to his lips, one quick glance over his shoulder for Sirius or Remus, then he downed the drink, better to get it over with as fast as possible. 

Harry coughed and felt Tom slapping him on the back; he could just make out him grinning through his watery eyes. He felt like his entire face was on fire, his mouth and nose were burning and he had the feeling he was going blind.

'Bloody hell Tom, what have you given him?' Harry could hear the voice but had know idea where or how the man was.

'Well it's one of my new concoctions, it doesn't have a name yet.'

Harry slumped forward over the bar, groaning, he didn't seem to have any control over his body, his muscles didn't seem to want to work and to top it off he seemed to be losing his grip on reality as the pub seemed to be getting darker.

'No!' the man gasped 'you gave him one of the unnameables? Wow! He actually wanted to drink that?'

'Well he didn't resist…he seems to like it though, don't you think?'

'Uh…I don't know about that, he seems a little out of it to me…wait a minute wasn't it back in the 80's when the last guy tried an unnameable? Come to think about it, didn't he go blind?'

'My quality beverages did not cause that man to go blind.' Tom said affronted 'It was just…a-a mere coincidence…and Harry here is perfectly fine, he's just enjoying the sensation.'

'Right…' the man said slowly 'of course…my mistake…'

***

'Yes, yes, everybody don't worry about the boy, just step over him.'

Harry stirred he seemed to be on the floor…and he had one hell of a headache. He groaned as some one picked him off the floor and then slumped him back down on a stool.

'No, you shouldn't have moved him' Tom said from some were nearby. 'Now he's taking up valuable bar space.'

'Hey' another man said ' You really shouldn't be seen to treat your customers badly, especially this one, even if he is dead or something. I mean who's going to get drunk in here if you'll just leave them on the floor drowning in their own vomit or something. Least you could do is call them a cab. 

'What?' Tom asked sounding confused 'First of all I would like to question your assumption that the boy is dead, that is clearly not true, dead people don't drool like that. Secondly it's a well known fact that a person laying face down in there own vomit, or urine for that matter, is highly amusing to me, and my regulars, and I fully promote it!' 

***

Groaning Harry opened his eyes and lifted his head off the bar, took one look around and let his head fall back down with a thud.  
  
'hum' he heard Tom mutter to someone nearby 'He seems to be waking up, by this time…' he paused for a second 'yes…by this time the alcohol should be at optimal performance level.'  
  
'Which mean?' he heard another voice ask '…No, don't tell me, let me guess…he'll make a complete ass out of himself?'  
  
'Complete, utter, total, unconditional and thorough ass of himself, ' Tom corrected 'if all goes well'   
  
'And if it doesn't go well…' The other man asked  
  
Harry shifted his head to look at Tom  
  
'Then he'll be on the front page of the Daily Prophet tomorrow morning…I can see it now…'Tom's eyes glazed over and he stared off into space' Big bold letters..."Harry Potter? Lap dancer!"…"Last night around 2am the boy who lived could be seen dancing, strip naked, on the bar of one of the wizarding worlds leading and most prestigious establishments, The Leaky Cauldron. On-lookers are said to be recovering from the best night of their lives, while Mr Potter has refused to comment. Ex-Hogwarts Professor-Remus Lupin says, in Mr Potter defence, 'I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding', this Daily Prophet reporter however is sure his exclusive pictures (Bottom-left continuing on Pg. 2, 4, 6-10) are proof enough of no 'misunderstanding'."   
  
"You…you've been planning this…haven't you?" the man asked  
  
Harry lifted his head off the table frowning.  
  
"Yes, yes I have."  
  
Harry groaned again, could his life get any more messed up?  
  
"oh, dear…how long have you been planning this for?"  
  
"Well, I first come up with the idea when he was born, but I never really took it seriously, then Dedalus was in here again-"  
  
"Diggle! I should have know he was in on this-was it his idea?"  
  
"No! It was mine! Well Dedalus had some input…okay…it was his idea…but Harry's not going to do it now he's heard the plan…"   
  
"Even when he's drunk do you really think he'd be stupid enough to dance naked on a table?"  
  
Harry, who had silently been listening, really thought he should step in around here, and agree that he wasn't stupid enough to start dancing on the table, but it came out a little wrong.  
  
"wha…"  
  
"It's not a matter of stupidity, it's a matter of guts, and I think this boys got it! Haven't you Harry, you wouldn't let me down, would you?" Tom asked Harry.  
  
Harry looked at Tom, then at the other man, then back at-before he could look at Tom again his brain registered what he had seen on the other man. He looked back at the man Tom had been talking to, the things he had seen were still there, the drink must have really messed him up in the head.  
  
"Um…do I know you?" Harry asked tilting his head to the side, you would think he would remember a guy who had horns on his head!  
  
"No I don't believe we've met, Gilbert Wimple" the man said extending his hand to Harry, who went to shake it but hit his glass a foot away before he tried again and shook the mans hand, his co-ordination seemed a little off. "Committee of Experimental Charms" he bent down and whispered in Harry's ear "I've come to help with your little problem…"  
  
Harry's eyes widened "Re-really?" he asked as a nervously giggle escaped him "Do I get a pair of those horns too?"   
  
"Uh, if you want…"  
  
"Hey, Hey! What about me?" Tom asked  
  
"You want horns?" Harry asked confused   
  
"No…" he said exasperated "Are you going to dance on the bar or not, think of the publicity!"  
  
Before Harry got the chance to even consider dancing on the bar Gilbert Wimple stepped in. "No, I don't think Harry will be dancing on the bar today Tom, Harry and me have some work to do, maybe you could ask Harry next time he comes in."  
  
'Hey!' Harry said angrily 'Maybe I want to dance on the bar!'  
  
The guy, Gilbert Wimple, just gave him a look as he stood up.  
  
'Well, do I still get a pair of horns?' Harry asked following the man  
  
'Yes...I'm sure they will go very well with that nipple on your forehead...'  
  
'What?' Harry asked, hand altomaticly moving to his head 'urhh' He couldn't help glancing surspisiusly at Tom, it had to be his fault, he hadn't come in with that thing on his forehead.  
  
'We better get a move on Harry.' Gilbert said 'Wasn't Remus and Brian going to meet me here with you?'  
  
'Yeah...' Harry reilised, then glanced around the pub for them 'How long have I been here?' He asked seeing that it was dark outside the windows  
  
'I'm not sure...you were in a drunken state of unrisponsithness when I arrived. Look we should floo to remus' house and see if their still there.'  
  
'Uh...yeah, ok' Harry said as he followed Gilbert towards the fire place. They had almost reached it when Tom cleared his throat and challed Harry back to him.  
  



End file.
